I was inspired by this post on Ritual Well. It’s not a new thought or a new practice for me – especially for the past two years, Yom Kippur has served as a day for me to take stock of the status of my eating disorder and set an intention to continue to recover, starting by feeding myself well on the day itself. Very thankfully, this year I can say for the first time that I’m well enough that recovering further is no longer at the very top of my teshuvah list, and I’m more in “maintenance” mode. I’m still not ready to try fasting again yet (and I actually chose to spend the day alone today partly so that I wouldn’t have to interact with people who were fasting or talk about my choices), but it was pretty amazing to be like, “I know how to feed myself. Look at me feeding myself. I can just take care of this (and enjoy it) and then go on about my business and do other things today as well.” In particular, feeling like I could spend many hours in a row writing in my journal without being distracted by my body being sad about not having the food it needs, and even without being disturbed too much by chronic pain issues that have been making it difficult for me to write by hand for several years, is HUGE progress for me and I feel so grateful. (I’m also grateful to have been able to implement the decision to spend the day alone! I’ve been realizing that I’ve been doing a lot of “saying yes when I want to say no” about social interaction, especially with housemates over the past couple of years.)
Anyway, I was thinking today about how disconnected I’ve been feeling from synagogue services and how I didn’t really feel like looking for a synagogue in my neighborhood to go to for the evening service. And I realized that it comes back to something I’ve been thinking about for a long time, first inspired by reading part of At the Root of This Longing by Carol Flinders, in which she talks about ways in which ego-denying practices have been generally an important part of male mystical spirituality, but don’t make so much sense for women, who are pressured to be self-sacrificing all the time (and actually ascetic practice can tend to worsen women’s spiritual flaws because it’s pushing them farther in the direction in which they already tend to err). In doing some reflecting on my own today, I realized how true this still is for me, despite having thought about and worked on this for years at this point – I am still walking around full of guilt and shame for doing nothing other than living my own life (and not taking care of everyone I see, not being 100% available at all times, not solving all the world’s problems, and occasionally doing something for no other reason than because I want to). Given that backdrop, there is no way in which going to shul and examining myself to unearth all the things I’ve done wrong is going to get me somewhere good. I’ve already unearthed and unearthed and unearthed, apologized, and expressed gratitude to people who have helped me. I am very good at this – nay, I am obsessive about this to a degree that is unuseful – and banging my head against the idea that “but there’s always room to improve more” is exactly the opposite of what I need. Instead of thinking that it feels wrong because I’m doing Yom Kippur wrong somehow, I need to recognize that THIS LITURGY WAS NOT DESIGNED FOR ME. (And by the way, it’s no secret that it was designed – no one thinks the liturgy was handed down at Sinai.)
What does feel useful to me, what does feel like teshuvah to me, is:
-Eating food to nourish my body instead of going with my default of “I shouldn’t need that”
-Doing something relaxing and pleasurable to remember that I am a person in and of myself and not just an instrument of service
-Taking care of my body and my space (today I showered, grocery shopped, and unpacked, mindfully, without the usual resentment I usually feel about tasks like that) as another way of affirming that I have my own life which needs regular care and attention in order to function
-Reflecting on how I’m doing healthwise, ways in which I’ve grown and recovered this year, ways in which I’m currently growing, any more steps I might want to take sometime soon and what might make that possible / easier
-Reflecting on sources of guilt and shame in my life and how to address them, whether by changing my behavior or by accepting hard truths instead of constantly carrying around silent worries about stuff that I can’t or won’t fix right now
-Thinking about what I’m letting go of from the past year, including relationships that fell apart, communities I’m no longer a part of, unresolved conflicts which I can’t do anything about, people’s expectations for me that I can’t or don’t want to fulfill, other people’s problems which I can’t help them solve, people who want connection with me at a level that I don’t want to offer, goals that I had for myself that I now recognize are unrealistic.
-Thinking about what’s “open” for me right now – conflicts, fears, questions, goals I’m pursuing, goals I’m not sure yet how to pursue, desires – thinking if there are things I want to do about that stuff that I haven’t done yet, and also just being able to say “hey, this is open in my life right now and I’m already doing everything I can do about it, I just have to wait and see what happens.”
-Thinking about people who are dear to me and what I’m learning from them and in what ways / how often I’m spending time with them, feeling and appreciating the contours of our relationship, thinking if there’s anything I want to change in order to invite more or a different kind of connection.
-Thinking about what I’m doing in the world and if I’m doing what I want to / am supposed to be doing, and how to do that.
-Orienting myself in space and time (this is especially important for me right now because I’ve been traveling a lot and having a lot of new experiences and sometimes I get “stuck” in an emotional experience from the past and can’t quite realize where or when I am now). Saying facts – “I am in city X, it is year X, this is what I am doing with my life, this is how I spend my days, these are the people in my life” – and noticing if any resistance comes up that suggests that I am stuck in some other time or place or experience, and then exploring ways to resolve and/or let go of that thing.
-Thinking about how I’m feeling about faith and spiritual practice in general right now, and acknowledging that I’m currently in a place of being more conscious of my questions than of their answers. Thinking who my spiritual teachers are right now and whom in my life I’m learning from in general, and what kinds of things I’m learning.
-Embracing the “selfishness” of taking time to care about, and take care of, what’s going on inside of ME. No one else is going to do it, I have to do this for myself. And the better job I do of taking care of “me,” the more I can be available to do other stuff. The more I neglect “me,” the more I end up asking other people to help me with something that is actually MY job.
-Remembering the central teaching of Ne’ilah: that teshuvah is always imperfect and in the end, no matter what, the day comes to a close and we are faced with only one option: we have to commit our souls into the hands of God.
Anyway, I was thinking today about how disconnected I’ve been feeling from synagogue services and how I didn’t really feel like looking for a synagogue in my neighborhood to go to for the evening service. And I realized that it comes back to something I’ve been thinking about for a long time, first inspired by reading part of At the Root of This Longing by Carol Flinders, in which she talks about ways in which ego-denying practices have been generally an important part of male mystical spirituality, but don’t make so much sense for women, who are pressured to be self-sacrificing all the time (and actually ascetic practice can tend to worsen women’s spiritual flaws because it’s pushing them farther in the direction in which they already tend to err). In doing some reflecting on my own today, I realized how true this still is for me, despite having thought about and worked on this for years at this point – I am still walking around full of guilt and shame for doing nothing other than living my own life (and not taking care of everyone I see, not being 100% available at all times, not solving all the world’s problems, and occasionally doing something for no other reason than because I want to). Given that backdrop, there is no way in which going to shul and examining myself to unearth all the things I’ve done wrong is going to get me somewhere good. I’ve already unearthed and unearthed and unearthed, apologized, and expressed gratitude to people who have helped me. I am very good at this – nay, I am obsessive about this to a degree that is unuseful – and banging my head against the idea that “but there’s always room to improve more” is exactly the opposite of what I need. Instead of thinking that it feels wrong because I’m doing Yom Kippur wrong somehow, I need to recognize that THIS LITURGY WAS NOT DESIGNED FOR ME. (And by the way, it’s no secret that it was designed – no one thinks the liturgy was handed down at Sinai.)
What does feel useful to me, what does feel like teshuvah to me, is:
-Eating food to nourish my body instead of going with my default of “I shouldn’t need that”
-Doing something relaxing and pleasurable to remember that I am a person in and of myself and not just an instrument of service
-Taking care of my body and my space (today I showered, grocery shopped, and unpacked, mindfully, without the usual resentment I usually feel about tasks like that) as another way of affirming that I have my own life which needs regular care and attention in order to function
-Reflecting on how I’m doing healthwise, ways in which I’ve grown and recovered this year, ways in which I’m currently growing, any more steps I might want to take sometime soon and what might make that possible / easier
-Reflecting on sources of guilt and shame in my life and how to address them, whether by changing my behavior or by accepting hard truths instead of constantly carrying around silent worries about stuff that I can’t or won’t fix right now
-Thinking about what I’m letting go of from the past year, including relationships that fell apart, communities I’m no longer a part of, unresolved conflicts which I can’t do anything about, people’s expectations for me that I can’t or don’t want to fulfill, other people’s problems which I can’t help them solve, people who want connection with me at a level that I don’t want to offer, goals that I had for myself that I now recognize are unrealistic.
-Thinking about what’s “open” for me right now – conflicts, fears, questions, goals I’m pursuing, goals I’m not sure yet how to pursue, desires – thinking if there are things I want to do about that stuff that I haven’t done yet, and also just being able to say “hey, this is open in my life right now and I’m already doing everything I can do about it, I just have to wait and see what happens.”
-Thinking about people who are dear to me and what I’m learning from them and in what ways / how often I’m spending time with them, feeling and appreciating the contours of our relationship, thinking if there’s anything I want to change in order to invite more or a different kind of connection.
-Thinking about what I’m doing in the world and if I’m doing what I want to / am supposed to be doing, and how to do that.
-Orienting myself in space and time (this is especially important for me right now because I’ve been traveling a lot and having a lot of new experiences and sometimes I get “stuck” in an emotional experience from the past and can’t quite realize where or when I am now). Saying facts – “I am in city X, it is year X, this is what I am doing with my life, this is how I spend my days, these are the people in my life” – and noticing if any resistance comes up that suggests that I am stuck in some other time or place or experience, and then exploring ways to resolve and/or let go of that thing.
-Thinking about how I’m feeling about faith and spiritual practice in general right now, and acknowledging that I’m currently in a place of being more conscious of my questions than of their answers. Thinking who my spiritual teachers are right now and whom in my life I’m learning from in general, and what kinds of things I’m learning.
-Embracing the “selfishness” of taking time to care about, and take care of, what’s going on inside of ME. No one else is going to do it, I have to do this for myself. And the better job I do of taking care of “me,” the more I can be available to do other stuff. The more I neglect “me,” the more I end up asking other people to help me with something that is actually MY job.
-Remembering the central teaching of Ne’ilah: that teshuvah is always imperfect and in the end, no matter what, the day comes to a close and we are faced with only one option: we have to commit our souls into the hands of God.
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