I was inspired by this post on Ritual Well. It’s not a new thought or a new practice for me – especially for the past two years, Yom Kippur has served as a day for me to take stock of the status of my eating disorder and set an intention to continue to recover, starting by feeding myself well on the day itself. Very thankfully, this year I can say for the first time that I’m well enough that recovering further is no longer at the very top of my teshuvah list, and I’m more in “maintenance” mode. I’m still not ready to try fasting again yet (and I actually chose to spend the day alone today partly so that I wouldn’t have to interact with people who were fasting or talk about my choices), but it was pretty amazing to be like, “I know how to feed myself. Look at me feeding myself. I can just take care of this (and enjoy it) and then go on about my business and do other things today as well.” In particular, feeling like I could spend many hours in a row writing in my journal without being distracted by my body being sad about not having the food it needs, and even without being disturbed too much by chronic pain issues that have been making it difficult for me to write by hand for several years, is HUGE progress for me and I feel so grateful. (I’m also grateful to have been able to implement the decision to spend the day alone! I’ve been realizing that I’ve been doing a lot of “saying yes when I want to say no” about social interaction, especially with housemates over the past couple of years.)
