And now for something completely different...

Had a tough interaction with a colleague today, and it made me think again about something that, as it turns out, I've thought about A LOT (and been on both sides of multiple times).  So, here's a few thoughts I've thrown together on the topic.

Tips for when you feel like you are acting, or are being perceived as, too needy or clingy!

Questions to ask yourself before you perform a communicative act (speech or otherwise):

~By doing this, am I asking for some kind of support?

~If so, what kind?

~What am I hoping will be the outcome of this act?

~Is that outcome likely? / Does the person I am asking have the resource that I am asking for?

~If not, can I ask someone else for support, who will be more likely to be willing or able to help?

~Is there something that I can do for myself in this situation instead of looking to someone else for support?

 

Two Rules of Thumb for asking for support:

1. Ask permission before asking for support!

~If the person says yes, then you can rest assured that you are receiving support from someone who is willing and even enthusiastic about providing it, which is a great feeling!.

~If the person says no (and you are able to respect their “no”), then you’ve just spared yourself the experience of (1) not getting what you wanted or needed and (2) feeling ashamed and guilty because you violated someone’s boundaries by seeking support from someone who was not available for that kind of interaction (at that time and place), which tends to feed right back into the cycle of social anxiety.

2. Thank the person who supported you after you receive support!

Alternatives to asking for support / reassurance:

~Silence, breathing, give the other person a chance to initiate the next interaction

~Listen / ask the other person questions about their life or experiences (Beware the hidden pitfall in this strategy – avoid asking someone to tell about their struggles so that you can pounce on them with offers of help and advice in order to prove that you are an awesome friend and obtain reassurance that way)

~Think of something you can do for the other person or for the group (but again, only if it’s welcome, not something that is “supposedly” generous but actually is another way of drawing attention to yourself or obtaining reassurance)

~Be aware of your own feelings (of anxiety, shame, guilt, fear, etc.) and tolerate them and/or do things that distract from or soothe them that don’t involve asking for support

~Leave the interaction

Two Very Important Notes:

1. These tips are not meant to decrease the degree to which you seek support from other people. They are meant to increase the EFFECTIVENESS of your strategies for seeking support for other people (including operating on a consent-principle, which is good for for your friends and good for you too!)

2. When trying to change a compulsive habit like asking friends and family members frequently for support and reassurance, it is important to REPLACE that habit with something else that is healthy and helpful, rather than trying to go “cold turkey” without having any “backup” resources. (There are many options for things to replace it with, such as seeking out a therapist for a more structured type of support, taking good care of your body so that you’re more resilient to stress, doing something fun, distracting, and a little bit addictive (yet safe) like reading, watching tv, or playing computer games, etc.)